This is most likely the last couple hours I will ever not know what the complete dynamics of our family look like. I know I am over-dramatizing this, but it feels very final to me, and I am surprised by the nerves in my stomach, the anxiousness I feel.
So precious precious babies. I have to write you briefly one last time while you are still such open ended question marks to me. I know finding out what sex you are doesn't by any stretch of the imagination mean I will know WHO you are. But I do feel just a tad like knowing WHAT you are will all of the sudden determine so much for you already, before you are even here. It will also determine so much for Macy and Carter. And so I want to take a last minute to sit and enjoy the strange peace that comes with knowing ONLY that you are my children and I love you immensely. Boys, girls or otherwise.
I'm afraid once I know what you are, all sorts of worries will begin streaming in to my mind, because that is who you're mama is, a worrier. Oh, there will be all sorts of wonderful daydreams and excitement and fun plans that will simultaneously rush my mind as well, but I'd be naive to think I'll be able to keep from getting a bit stressed, regardless of what combination you two are, about how it's going to effect you two, your brother and sister and your mom and dad as well. My mind will race immediately with how to raise you the best, how to foster strong relationships with you and your siblings, thoughts of rooms and clothes and colors and names will all start swirling in a matter of hours.
So again, for this last minute... I'm enjoying the quietness of my mind that knows there's NOTHING I can plan or decide quite yet.
I LOVE you two, oh I love you so much already. It is such an unbelievable feeling, this illogical unconditional love thing. This immediate sense of protection and ownership that I feel for you, two lives I've never met, two faces Ive never seen, two genders I don't even know. But you are mine, and I am so so glad.
I love you.
Your Mama :)
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Okay, we've only met once, but you know my sister, Bethany, and we have a lot of mutual friends. I'm so glad though that I stumbled upon this. It's such an reminder for me to give over my wants to Jesus each day. I also find myself hoping that, like you, I will know the right things to say in those moments with my son.
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