I failed today.

Well, I feel like I did at least, and it breaks my heart.

I am so tired, and down. I just feel very down. I feel discouraged at how many things I am trying to play catch up with teaching my children. I feel like I'm quickly losing control of all the things I've said I wanted to shape in them, the atmosphere I intended our home to exude. I am impatient and they are not responding.

Today was hard, well, lately most days have been hard and I, again, did not take the time to find the right ways and words to re-group and get the kids on track again. But what happened near the end of the day is what broke me.

I was disciplining Carter (as I had been most of the day). We were in his room on his chair and I was trying, yet again, to get through the defiance to the humbled version of my child that I can actually have a conversation with. Macy appeared in the hallway (I hadn't closed the door) and I automatically assumed she was hoping to enjoy the 'show' of her brother getting in trouble. I did not take time, I did not show kindness or patience. I told her she needed to go away.

A good while later after Carter and I were finished and I was busying myself cleaning something she came up to me in tears. They weren't the over-dramatic tears she sometimes sports, there wasn't a trace of attitude in her eyes, but there was true timidity. I could tell she wanted to say something to me but her voice was so low and quiet, I'm embarrassed to say I was tempted to be annoyed even then. Thankfully, I knelt down and asked her to use her words again to tell me why she was crying. And, without a trace of manipulation or copying something she'd heard somewhere else; these were the words my four year old said to me.

"I'm sad because I feel like I'm not special to you."

Well, there ya go, I'm crying again. As I have been most of today. I can't believe she was able to articulate her feelings like that. And I can't believe I have already allowed my sweet precious four year old to wonder if she is special to me. To question her significance or wonder her place. It's true I have been preoccupied with Carter, and she, well she doesn't require as much from me in the way of immediacy, but that doesn't mean she doesn't deserve my undivided attention, my focus.

I will say that I scooped my baby up right there and took her to the couch where I snuggled her and told her over and over how truly special she absolutely was to me. At least I did that. But I can't take away the hurt she felt, the little walls or tiny defenses she may have developed as a result of the dynamics in our home lately. And I know I am a worrier and over thinker, but I am so so afraid of how I will juggle the time between her needs, Carter's antics and the twins well, basic survival.

I know this post ends kind of on a down note. But that's truly how I feel these days. I've been pregnant twice before now so I know enough about myself to know I get low and discouraged during pregnancy and typically pull out of it with more energy and motivation down the road. But in the meantime I feel so helpless to 'snap out of it' and it clearly is effecting more than just me.

So today was not a good day. And I guess I just needed to process a bit, on the blog I'm pretty sure no one reads. It still helps to put it out there.