Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Good Question

"So my question is, do we attempt to minimize the ocurance or severity of these swings (only, the ones in the negative direction of course)? Or, do we learn to live with them and hope that everyone around us does too?......okay, the latter option doesnt sound so good. What I meant was more of learning to deal with the fact that this is part of life in this season and while still trying to keep from getting too crazy in the bad times, knowing that things just wont always be so smooth and we should try to adapt.......sometimes I think what I just wrote is sufficient, other times Im convinced I need therapy. What do you think?" - Erica




Hmmm, what do I think? Well I guess I would be tempted to say (and definitely reassure myself often) that this phase of crazy life is one that inevitably comes with having babies and toddlers and it will pass. I do believe that and I know that so much of the very physical demands that drive alot of my exhaustion and therefore short temperedness these days will eventually be over. The thing that concerns me though is that although the type of things that frusterate me may change over time, I'm pretty sure there will continue to be things about mothering my children that will send my head spinning and my temper flarring. Now, it's the constant "why's", lack of sleep and tedious disobedience correction. Later it will be the sassy attitudes, worrisome crowds and blatant disobedience. I guess the thing that I see in myself that worrys me the most is my tendancy to respond to my children emotionally. I let them get to me, (my kids and my emotions) and it drives my behavior towards my children. The way I talk to them, the way I handle them, whether I say 'Yes' or 'No' to a fair request. I can see myself punishing them when I am tired, I do not smile as much, I do not laugh with them; if Macy is annoying me, I feel this ingrained gut reaction to let her know Im bothered by withdrawing affection (at the least!). It's not far from my petty high school girl days! I came from an emotionally driven family and now I see it manifesting full force in my parenting. This is not something I am proud of about my own character, my inability to control emotional responses and actions in favor of wisdom and godly direction. So naturally it is not one I want to teach my children. I desperatley want to provide stability for them, predictability, dependability. I am the adult and they are the children, naturally they will be emotional; throw tantrums, cry etc etc, how confused they must be when I join in! Where else will they learn to reign in those emotions and choose maturity and Christ-like wisdom over them, if not from me?

I struggle so much with what I am modeling to my kids. I could write you out a list of all the ways I'd like my children to function, the things I believe comprise a healthy, well-adjusted, kind and God fearing adult. The problem is, at any-given time, there's atleast one of those things that I, am definitely not. What pressure I feel; knowing that so much of how my children will relate to this world and the people around them, and to God... they will learn from watching me. It makes me want to cry, it makes me want to hide and it makes me want to fall flat on my face begging the Lord for some sort of intervention in this process.

So I guess, what I'm hearing whispered in my ear right now is that I need to give myself grace, and I need to trust the Lord way more than I do, that He is ultimatley and sovereignly watching over my children and the people they will become. But I think for me, I will always maintain in this battle against my fleshly response towards my children, not because I think I will overcome it, but because the battle of refinement is one I want my children to grow up learning to fight as well.

And having said all that... I still have no idea how all those lofty "I wants" translate into my day of naps and spills and tears and diaper changes. G'Night :-)

4 comments:

Coalwell Family said...

I just wanted to let you know I love you, and I have been reading your blogs. I just commented on Erica's, but it was for both of you. Thank you for your honesty...it is blessing to me. Im praying for you!

HW said...

I've been reading your blog after finding it through Carly's blog site...anyway, you're blog comments are something that have been such an answer to prayer. I'm so thankful for your honesty, it has been such a blessing! It's amazing how, as a mom, you can so easily loose sight of why we're moms in the first place and how we can loose sight of our spiritual wellness. Thank you, again!! ~Heather~

Emery Jo said...

I can relate so much to what you're feeling and the overwhelming thought that these kids are going to be little reflections of ourselves... I just have to keep telling myslef that God is who He says He is! God is bigger than these struggles and fears! If He weren't, He wouldn't be God.

I love reading your thoughts and your honesty! Keep it up!!

lorieloo said...

It is so good to hear your heart Katie. To truly hear you. I have so many fears already, and I'm just beginning my marathon. It's good to hear some one struggling, questioning, doubting. Especially someone I love and respect as much as I do you.