Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Where did I go?

Every once in a while I'll find myself in the middle of feeding, or changing diapers, or disciplining or washing clothes or doing dishes or holding a crying baby or a feverish one... or even smack in the middle of the most delightful tickle fest with my giggling babies... and I'll stop (which is a rare occurence for me at best) and this bewildered voice from deep inside will ask, "How in the world did I get here?". Literally in the blink of a second a full fledged conversation ensues;

"How is this my life? I don't even recognize myself"
"Well that isn't so bad, you love your life"
"Yeah but it doesn't contain any of who I use to be"
"You're being dramatic, you like the ways you've grown up, you wouldn't trade it"
"But I'm nothing but a mom now, nothing special or spectacular or deep about me even exists anymore"
"Okay, now you're dramatic AND selfish, stop it and go wipe Macy's nose"

And so goes this battle within me between the girl I knew back in college who loved to sit and ponder and share and get into the thick of the lives around her. The girl who had her whole life ahead of her to do amazing and incredibly meaningful things and who had time to curl up with her thoughts of God and life and after pondering, to pour them before the Lord, authentically seeking refinement; change. This girl seems to have been clobbered by the daily life of a wife and mother. One who intensely loves her husband and children and the place this 'adult life' has brought her; but simultaneously feels stifled by the roles and responsabilities that come with them. How can a person feel 'stifled' by the very lives she'd give her own for? My thought life feels like one gigantic contradiction these days. I will passionately long for the ways and heart of God, for vulnerability and relationship with Him like I swear I used to feel... and in the same breath I'll then cynically roll my eyes at the drama of it all, resolving to 'get real' and just DO the things God calls us to, forgetting any emotional or even spiritual tie to any of it.

So here I am, this is me. As said before, my thought life these days is a jumbled mess of contradictions...but can you blame me? It's been almost three years since I have had quietness in which to train and track my mind. I will begin to embark down a thoughtful path, pondering some question or emotion I feel deeply and then BAM; a cry, a call for "MOMMY", dinner, smelly diaper, the phone, the buzzer... who knows...but it's back to reality and the immediate-ness of my current life. I think that is the main reason I've decided to attempt this new blog journal; I crave contemplation, consolidation and (oh the glory!) actual conclusion of my ponderings.

So after all that... as my sweet friend Erica put it... Here's to it!

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