I want to write right now because it is the only thing I can think of that might allow me to unwind, I am a ball of emotions... frusteration and guilt being two of the strongest. I am shocked at the swings I can go through in a day... and not only do they leave me feeling like a crazy schitzophrenic, but worse, a horrible mother.
I had a post planned out this morning. I was thinking through what I was going to write because I was in the middle of feeding my son his breakfast and I had just composed an entire song out of the words "poopy" and "stinker". Im serious.
I was having so much fun with him and my daughter was playing beautifully by herself and I was mentally sharing with you all through my intended blog entry how I didn't mean alot of what I wrote last entry, I was just emotional. Sure, these years may not be the most eloquent or philisophically stimulating of my life, but that's okay because somehow making spoons into airplanes and watching my daughter finally master the thread through the giant plastic bead equates to sheer joy in my book right now. I dont know how God did it, but in some crazy, outside of this world way, He managed to make THAT fufilling and fun for me.
And then the afternoon hit. I had plans to hang out with my sister-in-law, I've so been desiring good time with her. To talk and laugh and hear her heart. But the kids barely ate, which led to bad naps, which translated into whining and restless pushing of limits the rest of the evening. I felt frusterated, fed-up, short-tempered and angry. I didnt want to be around my kids, didn't care that they were doing cute things amongst the annoying and I just couldn't wait for 7:00. I must have checked the clock on the oven a million times. 6:23 ... 6:31...6:38...oh come on!... 7:00 YES! BEDTIME!!!
I finally sat down to eat with my sisters (the other had now joined) and Macy was up having to go "potty". I was mad...until I came in to check on her and my sweet baby girl was crying on the toilet sick with much more than "potty" if you know what I mean. And then I hear Carter scream out of a dead sleep and I run up to his gargling and coughing and and rubbing his eyes because he's so stinkin' tired but just can't breathe. ... Did I forget to mention both my kids are sick? That's because I didn't care... when I was frusterated and just plain 'done' this afternoon, it didn't matter to me that they were not eating, sleeping or playing happily because they didn't feel good... I was just annoyed and tired and didn't want to award sympathy to anyone but myself. And now? Now, that they're asleep and I've calmed down and am just remembering the misery on their faces and tears on their cheeks... Now I'm feeling guilty and sad and like a kind of secret failure.
And I kind of want to laugh because this, THIS blog was NOT supposed to be about my kids...I wanted this place to be my safe haven to prove that I had other intellectual things to think and write about. Other things to contemplate and share.
But my heart is wrapped up in these two litte ones and the way they swing me daily. I hate that every instance that I love being a mom, gets coupled with a moment of absolute disgust at the 'unfairness' of my life. I hate that I sound that way and think that way. I want to shout that it isn't really me or how I feel because there are an eternity of heart-bursting-from-my-chest wonderful moments... but doesn't it have to be me as well because of how many lose-my-mind-in-frusteration, can't-do-this-anymore moments I find myself in as well? I want to believe I'm not as selfish as I probably sound in this, but right now I'm feeling pretty low down on the "super mom" meter. So I'm just gonna leave it at that...anyone else experience the mood swings that can NOT be blamed on hormones?
About Me
- MacD Kids
- I'm a mom to four and a wife to one amazing man. We live far too grown up of a life for how young I feel, but I guess the fact that I just said I 'feel young' makes it clear that I am definitely not. Here you will find glimpses of the journey we're on; some silly, some serious... this blog may appear as schizophrenic as the life I find myself living. Consider yourself warned.
3 comments:
I love that you wrote about what was most real inside of you, Katie, even if it was all about life as mom. It is so true that there are very few moments in our days when we can really stray too far, even intellectually, from the reality of our lives, the reality of kids. I spent this entire last week waiting and waiting to have something to say tha wasnt about my kids. Surely something will come, it has to!, I just shared with the whole cyberworld that there is SO MUCH more inside me than just things pertaining to childrearing. I was a bit humbled to find that my truest desire was to write about them and the issues having to do with them. Had I not been so busy this week, I probably would have. In fact what I just wrote on my own blog is totally connected to being mom......there's no escape. But, I am very excited about our efforts to resurface the things about us that seem lost.
I think you need to tell more people you started this.....
So, I keep thinking about what you wrote here and how much I relate. The "swings", the duality.....I call it "my double sided life". However we refer to it the realtiy is that one moment things are blissful and the next they are falling apart at the seams. A week doesnt go by that I dont have a day similar to yours, not neccesarily the specific events that occured, but the way "swung" from one extreem to the other. Sometimes I do blame possible physiological sources but there hace certainly been times when there was clearly no other scapegoat than my own instability. So my question is, do we attempt to minimize the ocurance or severity of these swings (only, the ones in the negative direction of course)? Or, do we learn to live with them and hope that everyone around us does too?......okay, the latter option doesnt sound so good. What I meant was more of learning to deal with the fact that this is part of life in this season and while still trying to keep from getting too crazy in the bad times, knowing that things just wont always be so smooth and we should try to adapt.......sometimes I think what I just wrote is sufficient, other times Im convinced I need therapy. What do you think?
E
I think you need to tell more people you started this.....
So, I keep thinking about what you wrote here and how much I relate. The "swings", the duality.....I call it "my double sided life". However we refer to it the realtiy is that one moment things are blissful and the next they are falling apart at the seams. A week doesnt go by that I dont have a day similar to yours, not neccesarily the specific events that occured, but the way you "swung" from one extreem to the other. Sometimes I do blame possible physiological sources but there have certainly been times when there was clearly no other explaination than my own instability. So my question is, do we attempt to minimize the occurance or severity of these swings (only, the ones in the negative direction of course)? Or, do we learn to live with them and hope that everyone around us does too?......okay, the latter option doesnt sound so good. What I meant was more of learning to deal with the fact that this is part of life in this season and while still trying to keep from getting too crazy in the bad times, knowing that things just wont always be so smooth and we should try to adapt.......sometimes I think what I just wrote is sufficient, other times Im convinced I need therapy. What do you think?
E
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