Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Steady

Every Sunday lately I have found myself moved by something our pastor says in his sermon or something in the words we happen to worship to that morning. I guess that says some good things about the church we're at.
I often intend to write on the things I feel the Holy Spirit impressing on me in that moment, but the quietness of that hour and a half vanishes with the chattering crowds just outside the double doors of the sanctuary. And it carries with it the strength of the conviction I felt just moments ago. This past week though, I was moved a second time by the same words as the week before, and so before we hit Wed. I am going to sit and think on them... thanks for joining.
We sang a grouping of choruses lumped into one song during worship. One part stated over and over "Lord, I wanna yearn for You, I wanna burn with passion over You, Only You." As I was singing this part of the song I was having a really hard time. These words are so true in my heart, I desperatley long to yearn for the Lord. I remember the days when I felt pure passion and motivation to go and be and do all for the Lord. I was truly enamored by Him, knowing Him, being with Him, just HIM. I know what life driven by that is like and I thirst for it. But as I was singing that morning I was coming before the Lord wondering honestly if I was asking something unrealistic. I have come to believe, whether true or not, that there are times of passion in life and times of mundane obedience and duty. I don't know if Ive been sold a lie or not. I guess I have begun to see our walks with the Lord as a wooing of children. Maybe when we were younger and more fragile; as I most definitely was in my first college years, maybe the Lord wooed me more with emotion, maybe I felt those passions and yearnings so tangibly because that was a phase of my walk I was to go through at that time...Christ sought me, won me, assured my heart and soul of His truths and goodness and received my absolute dedication. But now we have moved on from that, the Lord and I...and I am here in a place of calmed down...normalcy? A more relaxed, level headed version of myself? Time to buck up and walk this thing.
I don't mean to sound discouraged, or maybe I do, I don't really know. There is a part of me that misses the excitement of those days with the Lord, but the other side doesn't really believe it's fair or neccessary to expect them to have continued forever, because this life with the Lord is not about me or how great it feels to be a believer. And so went my wandering mind while my lips continued on...
But then the next chorus in this medley we sang rang out, "And I wanna be found faithful, I wanna be found steady, I wanna be found worthy, worthy for you." It's the steady part that got me. As I reflect on it right now I guess I'm not as wounded by the word 'steady' as I was in the moment. But at the time it really jabbed me. I felt like the conversation I was having with the Lord explaining all the reasons why I just "wasn't as excited as I have been in the past, and how that's okay" was brought to a harsh hault as I recited over and over to my Jesus that I want to be found STEADY. Like I said, right now Im feeling that means more of what I actually was talking about, holding steady with my walk and dedication despite the waning emotions and excitement. But that morning, man, that morning... and then again the following sunday, that word just hurt. Saying it literally ached in my heart, as though I have not been steady. I have not been true and firm and steadfast for my Lord. I have weakend and compromised and explained away my true Love. I have traded a love story for an acceptance of truth, reckless abandonment for duty and relatability. Instead of meeting with Him, I talk about Him and learn about Him and do things for Him.
See, my problem is that the alternative isn't even wrong or bad... but that sunday morning, I felt clearly convicted that I ought to be steady in my passion for the Lord. Thing is, I can't get anything but emotional passion to FEEL passionate.
Any thoughts out there?

2 comments:

Unknown said...

Jusus is a tough cookie. He demands obedience, but tells us that there will be some who obey "Didn't we cast out demons in your name..." and He will say "I never KNEW you." So we know it's about more than obedience or the "show." But we also know that our emotions are SO unreliable. I think it is a huge dilemma, but am thankful to be around incredibly wise, loving women at my church that I now lovingly refer to as my goldmine. Last Monday, one of them was kind of talking about this - KNOWING God, being Known by God, emotions, obedience, etc. in the context of Spiritual Direction (which is whole other conversation for another time). Anyway, she went off on a tangent, got to the topic of our emotions, and paused thoughtfully (probably sent up a quick prayer) and then said something like "our emotions are not BAD. They are good because they tell us that something is there - markers of deeper issues - roadsigns directing us to stop and take a look at what's going on. When I feel a rage inside me, I have to stop and look at why I am so upset. Often the trigger circumstance isn't really what is making me angry and as I ask the Lord, 'What's going on here?' He usually shows me a deeper source that He needs to deal with. We cannot live by or in our emotions, but we can use them to remind us to turn to the Lord and ask, 'What is going on?' And He is always faithful to treat us with love."
So maybe I think that Jesus does not really care what your emotions towards Him are, it's how you handle them and, like everything else, how you surrender them completely to Him. It is about the transparent relationship between you and the relationship building that takes place in working on things together and talking that seems to matter most - to know and be known by God. I think that is the Steadyness. Mystery of mysteries.

Carly said...

i need to think a bunch more on this, so this is just my immediate reaction:

first reaction - i also have been moved or taught or struck by something every week, especially when duane preaches. God is doing great things at creekside. amen to that.

second reaction - i am going through a LOT of what you are going through right now in this conversation that you are having with Jesus. i was really on fire and passionate just a month or so ago, but now i am thick in the middle of a lot of (dare i say) boring, non-emotional, kind of dutiful feelings about my walk and God Himself. and i am so frustrated because when i first had kind of a spiritual renaissance last year i swore i would never go back to my previous state that i called "sleep-walking". anyway now i am slipping back and not feeling like someone who would be found steady (love that song when we sing it - it is so honest and strong!).

third reaction - i read colleen's comment and something resonates deeply in me about keeping this matter as simple as knowing and being known. which i am not good at right now because i am having a very hard time starting conversation with God when i am not in a easy spiritual setting (like church or worship). and then there is this especially sassy part of me that says, 'well God if you want to know me, i have boring times and that is how i am right now. sorry.' embarrassing, but true. and i know it must be wrong but it is sometimes my honest mood. yuck. okay i need to think and *gasp* pray about this right now. good post, sorry i am no help - just mooching off of your deep thoughts :)